Happy New Year

If you are having trouble reading the text on this poster, let me type it just to make sure you see it. It says:

“LOVE THEM. DON’T SHOOT THEM.

(pictures of children)

Please don’t fire your gun into the air this New Year’s”

I took this picture in the Los Angeles subway, which I know will be shocking enough to most people. Let me confirm that Yes Virginia, there IS a subway in LA. And if you are one of the ten people who have heard of it, let me dispel the myth that it sucks. It’s actually quite nice. And no, I am not sponsored by the LA Transit Metro Authority* to tell you that.

Let’s get to the heart of this story though folks. I was completely unaware that we had gone back in time. Great Scott, indeed. Apparently, we live in 1880, and I have just forgotten. Excuse me Pat Garrett; I must get past you, and back to my magic light screen to document my thoughts. How’s the Kid doing these days? Really? You’re a shitty friend, Pat.

Now, I am not very observant of my surroundings. I get lost in my own pajamas sometimes. But I was aware enough on New Year’s Eve to notice that there was electricity. We were not gathered within the confines of the Alamo’s walls, and I was not going to the celebration on a horse. With these realizations, can we assume that shooting a gun for celebratory purposes is passé?

What’s that you say? Of course I know I live in Los Angeles! Ever since the 1980’s, citizens are required to carry at least one firearm. We have a reputation to uphold since Boyz N the Hood came out. I keep a .45 in my sock, and a derringer neatly tucked in between my man boobs. You never know when you might need the backup. I keep these guns for PROTECTION folks. Well, that, and for shooting at rival gang members. Let me level with you, the rivalry was figured out years ago, but now it’s just something to do on Tuesday afternoons. But we don’t waste bullets willy-nilly. We’re ALL in a recession, let’s do our part to save Uncle Sam some rounds.

Let me just review a few places where firing your weapon in the air is not acceptable:

-New Year’s Eve (as the poster suggests)

-Valentine’s Day dinner

-Saul Adler’s bar mitzvah

-After achieving a perfect score on Duck Hunt

-Celebrating with Yosemite Sam. It looks good when he does it, but you just look like a copycat, varmint

-After taking communion at church. There is still the balcony above you

*The best Transit Metro Authority of Southern California!