Joey Toast #1

Happy New Year

If you are having trouble reading the text on this poster, let me type it just to make sure you see it. It says:

“LOVE THEM. DON’T SHOOT THEM.

(pictures of children)

Please don’t fire your gun into the air this New Year’s”

I took this picture in the Los Angeles subway, which I know will be shocking enough to most people. Let me confirm that Yes Virginia, there IS a subway in LA. And if you are one of the ten people who have heard of it, let me dispel the myth that it sucks. It’s actually quite nice. And no, I am not sponsored by the LA Transit Metro Authority* to tell you that.

Let’s get to the heart of this story though folks. I was completely unaware that we had gone back in time. Great Scott, indeed. Apparently, we live in 1880, and I have just forgotten. Excuse me Pat Garrett; I must get past you, and back to my magic light screen to document my thoughts. How’s the Kid doing these days? Really? You’re a shitty friend, Pat.

Now, I am not very observant of my surroundings. I get lost in my own pajamas sometimes. But I was aware enough on New Year’s Eve to notice that there was electricity. We were not gathered within the confines of the Alamo’s walls, and I was not going to the celebration on a horse. With these realizations, can we assume that shooting a gun for celebratory purposes is passé?

What’s that you say? Of course I know I live in Los Angeles! Ever since the 1980’s, citizens are required to carry at least one firearm. We have a reputation to uphold since Boyz N the Hood came out. I keep a .45 in my sock, and a derringer neatly tucked in between my man boobs. You never know when you might need the backup. I keep these guns for PROTECTION folks. Well, that, and for shooting at rival gang members. Let me level with you, the rivalry was figured out years ago, but now it’s just something to do on Tuesday afternoons. But we don’t waste bullets willy-nilly. We’re ALL in a recession, let’s do our part to save Uncle Sam some rounds.

Let me just review a few places where firing your weapon in the air is not acceptable:

-New Year’s Eve (as the poster suggests)

-Valentine’s Day dinner

-Saul Adler’s bar mitzvah

-After achieving a perfect score on Duck Hunt

-Celebrating with Yosemite Sam. It looks good when he does it, but you just look like a copycat, varmint

-After taking communion at church. There is still the balcony above you

*The best Transit Metro Authority of Southern California!

Drunk Steak

Why hasn't someone created a steak that gets you drunk? They would sell like hot cakes for Super Bowl. In fact, I would think they would get so popular, they would replace the hot cake as the standard referred item that flies off the shelves.

"Those new iPhones went like drunk steaks", I'd say. And everyone in the room would nod in agreement.

"No thanks, I'll be eating my lunch today". No one would look down on you.

"Before I go talk to that member of the opposite sex (or same...I don't judge who eats my steak), I think I need a little 'solid courage'".

Public Service Announcement

Ladies and Gentlemen,

Kumquat.

...That is all. Thank you for your time.

Too Ra Loo Tamale Tinny Ed Aye A Lye

One thing I have noticed since our arrival in Los Angeles is the staggering amount of doughnut (or donut) shops that exist here. This is shocking to me, due to the number of residents who are actors, models, California health hippies, and general “people that live in Beverly Hills”. Although I heard Benicio Del Toro had a regimented strict diet of a dozen doughnuts a day to pack on the belly of Dr. Gonzo (for “Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas”), I can see little other business for these unfortunately located shops.

That discussion is for another time though. Who knew that the city of Los Angeles would boast such a high number of restaurants that serve Irish cuisine? I keep passing by signs for these places called Tac O’Bell. I can only imagine each location as a warm haven away from these bitter L.A. winters. Where can one warm himself by a fire and a pint of Guiness? This is not rhetorical.

I finally just had my first visit to one of these places, and lo and behold, I had no idea that the song “La Cuc O’racha” was a traditional Irish reel. My hunger was nearly forgotten about when I began reading the history of the restaurant, which appeared in tidbits that were framed about the restaurant. From what I gather, the history is as follows:

In 1846 Casey O’Bell gazed across a field in Limerick Ireland, and dreamt of having a potato. Since there were none to be had, he decided he would look elsewhere for his beloved starch. He traded an old man a jaunty jig for enough money to board a boat headed to the land of dreams called Manna-hata (Which was later renamed "Manhattan" after the Woody Allen film). Casey did not speak Gaeilge and mistook the boat as heading toward a hat store. Casey was bald (which was the style at the time) and his head was cold, so he opted to join them in their shopping extravaganza. He patiently waited for days in this boat while his head got even colder, and conditions increasingly more unbearable.

Then one fateful morning Casey awoke in the shadow of a giant green woman holding high a torch. Casey was in awe. As he rubbed the sleep from his eyes, he recognized the woman as Kelly McRyan, who was threatening to burn the boat if she didn’t get to bathe the green film off of herself soon. Casey snapped into action by diving off the side of the boat and swimming to shore. The young Irishman ended up at Tammany Hall, where he was quickly ejected for dripping his wet clothes on legal documents.

After drying, he returned, and noticed all the grunting, harrumphing, and arguing made the gentlemen famished. He scurried to the nearest grocer, and traded him a jig for corn and potatoes. And just as David Blaine would sit in a Plexiglas box 154 years later, something magical happened.

The men practically demolished everything Casey made, and after a few years of this, he had enough to build a restaurant. William M. Tweed later declared the O’Bell recipes to be “Scandalicious!”. This review skyrocketed Casey’s fame and popularity to a mythical degree. And Casey O’Bell patented the “Quick Food Chain”.

After a delicious traditional Irish meal, I got a chance to talk with the manager of this particular location, and wanted to share these not very well known Rejected Tac O’ Bell Menu Ideas:

Nachos and Cabbage

Colcannon con queso

Dishreen Supreme

The Potato Famine Potato Wrap (no potatoes)

Jalapeno Boxty

Finnegan Bell Grande (Sponsored by Ethan Hawke)

Fiesta Pot Brownies

LOST in the Writer's Room

Hello readers! I am very excited to share this information with you. I am taking a writers class for dramatic television series, and I love it! Did you hear me? I said I LOVE it. Everyone thought that the recent writers strike would send young hopefuls into the exciting world of Tupperware sales, but I am here to tell you, there are 200 excited young writers with me in my class. An impressive number indeed!

We recently had an assignment to rewrite a comedy as a drama, and I chose House of Sand and Fog because, seriously, without all the puns, visual gags, and one-liners, that movie has some pretty dark overtones I felt I could expand on. I mean, I knew Ben Kingsley was a riot in Gandhi, but he is all laughs here. I mean, c'mon Ben, TELL US A MEANINGFUL STORY HERE! Ha ha.

Here’s the exciting news though! My professor chose MY script over everyone’s to win! Anywayyy, guess what I won!! ........NOPE! It was the chance to sit in the writers room of the hit TV show LOST!!!

OMG! ROFDCSTVCCTMR!!!! (*Rolling on the floor drinking celebratory shots of tequila and vodka, commonly called the Mexican Russian)

So, this was during the fourth season of the show, and a lot of people thought it was a season that they were “wasting time” until they got an ending date in sight. But those people are dead wrong! Since that season has passed, ABC has given me the green light to share the minutes I took during that day! YAY!!

9:00 – Minutes of the last writers meeting are reviewed. There is a brief discussion of how the ghost gerbils can make their entrance.

9:30 – Wolverine and X-Men Presents: Wolverine back issues are scanned for Sawyer dialogue. Many one liners, nicknames, and “bad-attitude demonstrators” are pitched, but head writer shoots them down, and describes them as “not Klee Shay enough”. (*I don’t know who this Shay writer is, but I will investigate!)

10:00 – Writer’s room explodes into fury of simultaneous masturbation.

10:30 – Discussion of how the ghost gerbils can obtain no other linkage to anything that has happened previously on the show. One of the writers, Billy, thoroughly asks how their background story coincides with the plot of the rest of the series. Other writers reply, “Magic”.

11:00 – Ghost gerbil topic is set aside for discussion on another nearby island the characters can escape to. The trees on said island will be made of chocolate and pixiedust.

12:00 – Lunchtime! The Inspiration bong is passed around. I had never seen marijuana that looked like white crystals and rocks before but hey, When LOST in Rome…! Ha ha.

3:45 – Everyone wakes up. Need for a script is discussed. Billy argues need for script.

3:47 – Inspiration bong is passed around again.

5:00 – Everyone wakes up to alarm that is programmed to play Linkin’ Park’s Given Up. Quittin time! “Another day, another dollar” is said to me by each writer as we exit the building.